No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
