i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
