She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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