sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
