i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
