If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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