I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
