Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
