I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
