Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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