omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
