I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
