I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
