i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
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you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
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I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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