he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
