The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My butt remains clenched, sir.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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