see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
