I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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