Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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