I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
