I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
