they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
