Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize