our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
