I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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