exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
