don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
