The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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