I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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