just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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