just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
zippers are such a cool invention
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
