I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
