His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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