Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
