after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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