Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
