when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
