my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
