Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He had one of those small greek statue penises
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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