I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
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I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
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You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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