stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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