guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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