I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
