I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
