sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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