I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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