Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
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You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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