it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
