i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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