Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
