and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
