i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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