I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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