You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
