remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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