TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
