I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
