I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
