I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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