I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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