I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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