he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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