i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
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