he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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