i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Found the puke drawer
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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