Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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